Working with Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

This is part of a series of blogs examining why people come to Hattrick Advisory Services for executive coaching and/or mentoring services. Of course, few come to us for only one thing, but these blogs examine the most common themes that arise in our confidential services. You can read the first article in this series here.

Increasingly, organisations are looking for team members, especially at more senior levels, who have well-developed EQs. See, for example, here or here. People with high EQ know more than what to do; they know how to do it; they work with people rather than against them. They are collaborative colleagues, working with empathy, good listening skills, and critically, with self-knowledge and self-awareness. 

We work with most of our clients on some aspect of EQ, although it is not usually the main reason they come to HAS. We often find that a better understanding of EQ can be a highly useful way of addressing other issues in the workplace or life in general. 

Clients often ask questions such as ‘Can we develop emotional intelligence,’ ‘How do we lead with greater empathy?’ or ‘How can I be a better listener? These are all skills that can be enhanced through coaching. Often, they are called ‘soft skills.’ When we coach, clients may be invited to think of the term ‘soft’ and what it means to them and others. Is listening a ‘soft’ skill and accounting a ‘hard one’? Are we using terms to undervalue certain types of skills? 

Let’s take a common issue people bring to coaching: I am struggling with my boss. She doesn’t respect me, he doesn’t treat me fairly, and they are undermining me. All of these constructs start with the other, the boss, and the impact they may be having on the client. But what about the clients themselves? How are they involved in this seemingly unhelpful relationship?

We may provide the client with some space for introspection. Self-knowledge and self-awareness are the starting point of any emotional intelligence journey. The person most associated with work on EQ is Daniel Goleman, who has been writing about this subject for over thirty years. His framework has developed to some extent but remained faithful to its core. Here is an example from the Harvard Business Review in 2017: 

In order to have self-awareness, a degree of self-knowledge is central. Who am I at this moment? How am I feeling? What emotions am I experiencing? 

With clients, we may use a framework like the above and move gradually from left to right, examining what is meant. If we can be emotionally aware in the moment, we can exercise emotional self-control with greater ease. Going back to the previous example of someone having challenges with his boss. We may role-play to help him understand his emotions when, for instance, he is going into his boss’s office. What is he expecting from himself and from her? What does he notice about his somatic responses, sensations we all feel in response to an emotion? What may the coach be noticing, too?

Once he notices his responses, a feeling of unease, tension, perhaps a little aggression, he will be in a position to take a moment and decide to manage those emotions, possibly tame them a little. He will practice emotional self-control and emotional balancing and be in a better position to manage the meeting with his boss. He will be aware of potentially disruptive emotions. 

The other components of emotional self-control to be aware of are adaptability, achievement, and adopting a positive outlook. It is critical in the workplace, especially for leaders as they spin plates and manage complexity and ambiguity. 

Adaptability is really all about those spinning plates, managing change, and approaching the day ahead with a flexible mindset. Achievement is about striving for excellence, setting and working to meet challenging goals. Finally, part of self-management is positivity, something we can also control. Having a positive outlook means just that: walking into the boss’s office to see opportunities in the situations rather than threats.

So, the self-management categories are all aspects of our lives, which, by working with self-awareness, we can exercise a reasonable degree of control over.  We can choose how we show up in the presence of a boss, and we don’t need to make that choice based on her characteristics.

This is part of a personal journey for many of our clients. It is not always easy to get this right; sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we lose a degree of self-awareness, forget to check in with ourselves, and behave in ways that may not be helpful. I know from personal experience of trying to manage a challenging boss how hard this can be and how difficult it is to fail. I have also learned that if we truly allow for self-awareness, we will know when to walk away. 

From working on self-management, we help clients reflect on their social awareness, how to feel and sense what is happening around them, and read the tea leaves. Empathy is about listening (take a look at the five levels of listening), not just for what is said but what isn’t. Empathetic leaders work well with people from different cultures and backgrounds because they attune themselves to their needs. 

Recently, a client asked, ‘Can I learn empathy’? To some extent, yes. We work with clients to improve their deep listening skills, to allow for their emotional antenna to be active, and to not be afraid to work with it. Some indeed do this more naturally than others. There is a common view that women have greater social awareness than men. It seems true in my experience, but there is data on both sides. 

We come to the final category of relationship management. People who are good influencers are persuasive and good at getting people to support their ideas. They don’t need to evoke power to get things forward. Many of our clients enjoy discussing this, and it is a skill in successfully navigating organisational culture, especially in multi-layered, complex environments. 

Coaching and mentoring in the framework above is about the leader as a coach, supporting the long-term development of others through feedback and genuine support. Teamwork relates to this, using empathy to create an atmosphere of respect for all, building identity and positive relations.